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.His home PC and his iPod tell a similar story.Not one Nick Foster track appears on his personal playlists.But stranger still, there doesn’t appear to be any manufactured disposable pop records by anybody else in here either.Why would he deny himself the very pleasure that he brings to millions?’The screen flashes up a caption at this point, white out of black:‘My old dad worked down Billingsgate fish market, and that’s how he learned the difference between a tradable commodity and something genuinely valuable.There’s fish that’s just for buying and selling.You don’t fucking eat it.’– Nick Foster, Melody Maker, August 1992‘On a night like tonight, it would be great if we could appraise Nick’s legacy by exploring just how ingrained his music has become in the national consciousness.Admittedly that’s a difficult thing to measure, but just for fun, we’re going to see how deeply Nick’s music is ingrained in his own consciousness, and you at home can see how your answers compare against the man himself.I should add that if you really want to join in properly and get the full effect, you’re going to need two crocodile clips, some electric cabling, and a variable resistor to regulate the current.’The screen now shows a close-up of Foster’s sweating and contorted face, my hand and the electrical controls still visible in the inset window.My hand twists the dial until the needle reads 1,000 volts.‘What’s going to happen here is that I’m going to ask Nick to play name that tune, but just from the lyrics.If he gets it right, I knock five hundred volts off the next shock.If he gets it wrong, I let him hear the melody, which gives him the chance to win two hundred volts off.It’s not as much, clearly, but when it’s pumping through your unearthed flesh at five amperes of current, you’ll be grateful for it, believe me.Oh, yes, and before the shock, there’s a bonus question, but we’ll get to that in time.‘Okay, first lyric for you, Nick, and for everyone watching at home.Here we go: “Gonna make my move, gonna feel the groove.Gonna feel the heat, gonna dance the beat.” For five hundred volts, name that tune.’He says nothing.The camera tracks out again, showing all of his naked body lashed to the giant amp.I repeat the lyric.‘I’m going to have to hurry you, Nick.I realise the lyrics are utterly vacuous and probably indistinguishable from a thousand other shitty songs you wrote, but you did write them, so why not take a stab.I’ll even give you a clue: it was from 1987 and it reached number three in the UK charts.’‘It was.’ he croaks, then has to swallow, his mouth too dry to speak.‘It was “Here I Go Tonight”.’‘Ooooh, sorry, Nick, that’s not the answer I’ve got here.But there’s still two hundred volts at stake, so why not have a listen to the melody and have another go at naming your own number-three hit single from 1987.’The trademark synth brass intro plays over the PA.Nick’s face strains, difficult as it might be to imagine his facial muscles stretching any tighter.The music fades out before the vocal can begin, though it’s my firm belief that it wouldn’t help.You can see his head jiggle as he tries to keep the song playing in his head.‘Is it “No Stopping Me”?’‘Is it “No Stopping Me”? I wonder what everybody is saying at home.’Around the Tivoli, where they still think it’s some kind of risqué joke, there are a lot of shaking heads.PV1, still broadcasting at this point, have even located and zoomed in on Sandi Bay, the woman who sang the song I’m looking for.She bopped around a swimming pool in hot-pants and a boob-tube in the video, but right now she looks like a deputy bank manager on her works night out.She’s also looking anxious and confused, wincing uncertainly at his wrong answer.‘I’m sorry, Nick.The answer is “Dance All Summer Long”.’He closes his eyes, grits his teeth, bracing himself for the electricity.‘Now, now, relax.You didn’t get any volts off, but there’s still the bonus question.It’s worth two hundred and fifty volts, but the catch is, if you get it wrong, those two hundred and fifty volts get added, not taken away [ Pobierz całość w formacie PDF ]