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."What were you using it for? It's not time to spread grass seed.Wheat? Whywere you using a spreader to lay down wheat? Don't you have a planter.?."Okay, calm down." Grin."You're what I class as a C.That means there's somepromise.You can get your back up and wroth and decide you're the expert hereand then you're going to go to D and you'll be talking to my call center guysuntil you get tired of it and go back to the soup lines as an F.Or you mightwork your way up to A.But I'll give you the chance.It's late and it's abouttime for you to actually go to work.If you're willing, though, I'll walk youthrough a lot of shit and you might make a barely functional farmer.Yes, I grew up on a farm and I've got a degree in the shit.I'm about the onlyguy working this place who does so for anything farming beyond C-A-T equalscat, you're going to have to talk to me.I work nights.But that's not aproblem.Because you're going to be getting up around.an hour ago.Andyou'll be going to bed around sunset.Yes, there's a reason.Are youlistening? Is this actually sinking in? Because I'm not going to waste my timeif it's not.You're welcome."He'd been a lawyer in Memphis specializing in "environmental agriculturalissues." He was, in fact, every farmer's worst nightmare.The kind of guy whoenvironmental groups hired to sue farmers for drying out a plot of land thatthey considered "wetlands."His wife started out the complete bitch.We'd gotten beyond C-A-T equals cat by then.We were talking as he was gettingPage 210ABC Amber Palm Converter, http://www.processtext.com/abcpalm.htmlready for another hard day's work.He was fixing what he could find forbreakfast.I asked him where his wife was.Asleep."Farming is team work.You're supposed to still be asleep.She's supposed tobe cooking breakfast.Who's cleaning? Who's taking care of the garden?"Getting his wife to sit down and talk to me was, I take it, not easy.But ithappened."Bandit Six, this number is permanently connected to a nuclear tipped missileaimed at you, keep that in mind.Oh, Hi Roger.Mrs.Roger? Oh, that wouldbe Miz Roger.Miss Roger-Not-Roger? We're going to have such a nice time.Hello, ma'am.My name is Bandit Six.Here is the deal."You and your husband are in deep cacky.This winter things are going to be a nightmare.The nightmare will continue into next year.I don't care what the President and her ministers say, trust in me, I'm withthe High Command.You are an expert in whatever your field used to be.You know nothing about farming or being a farm wife.If you do not listen to me, you and your husband are going to die.Did you hear me? Do you believe me? D-I-E.Okay, here is lesson one.There will be many more.And you'll like them less."?'A man he works from sun to sun but a woman's work is never done.' That'snot a complaint.That's reality.Your husband, in case you hadn't noticed, isnow going out all day just about every day working his tail off.It's hard,brutal, necessary work.He's probably losing weight.He'll gain it back as hegets better at things and if there's food.But he will always be expendingmore calories in a day than you do.He will be working harder physically.Youwill be working constantly physically but at a lower level."Farm work is team work.You are part of the team.The part you have to do,not sort of have to do, not can ignore, is vitally important.You're going tothink it's demeaning.It's not.You are a critical member of the team.Yourjob, accept it or not, is support for you husband and hands.Well,you're going to need them eventually.If you stick this.Here's your job list."Fix heartiest breakfast you can fix before your husband is awake.Cereal, ifavailable, is insufficient.Carbo-load but add any available protein.There'sa reason that bacon, eggs, hash browns and toast is called "A Farmer'sBreakfast" on menus.Wash kitchen thoroughly after each meal.Foodstuffs available to you have nopreservatives.Flies carry bacteria.Flies are endemic to farms.Thecombination means any foodstuffs left out become bacteria magnets.You willsuffer from food poisoning, sooner rather than later, if you don't keep thekitchen area spotless.If you don't have soap make it or trade for it intown.Next chore is pick eggs.Get your kids to help you.Then I'm sorry.Hands are hands.Kids learn, early, they've got chores on farms.Go seeif there are any orphans available.No, I'm not joking.If we chat sometime I'll tell you about how my great-grandpappy started in the farmingbusiness.Short answer: he was an orphan from Baltimore who was sent out asslave labor.No, I'm not joking.Then you're working in the garden.Lunch for you, husband, family and hands.Heavy carbo load again.Clean house.More garden work.Dinner.Make it light.He'll be asleep in an hour.Clean from dinner.Make sure everything is locked down and correct.Go to bed.Get up before husband and do again and again and again.Canning.Household maintenance.Laundry.Clothing maintenance.What do you mean, you don't know how to sew.?"There's a hole in the bucket dear Liza dear Liza there's a hole in the bucketPage 211ABC Amber Palm Converter, http://www.processtext.com/abcpalm.htmldear Liza a hole."She eventually made a decent farmer's wife.She's a lobbyist for farmers now.Leopard can't change its spots, much.There were about fifteen like that."A"s that is.People who were out of theirdepth but willing to admit it and somehow got on the line with me.There were way more that I tried to help and fell by the wayside.Farming isnot easy.One of the "A"s, sort of, that I tried to help was funny.I say "sort of"because there wasn't anything I needed to tell the guy about farming.He'd been a farmer.He'd moved to Arizona when he retired.Sold the farm (bigfarms plural) to ADM.Didn't want to live in a retirement community."Likedsome space around him." Didn't like people much, that's for sure.Crotchetydidn't cover it.Talked to his wife, once.Nice old lady.Didn't have to tellher about being a farmer's wife, either.She was glad he was back workingsince "he'd been a handful" retired.Given what he was like when I dealt withhim, I cannot imagine what he was like retired.Anyway, he'd bought a pretty big spread of fuckall [ Pobierz całość w formacie PDF ]