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.Be polite and talk to your partner as you would to anyone yourespect.6.Do not use words like “never” or “always.” Always try to use words thatreflect a real situation or behavior.Doing this will give more meaning toyour statements, and your partner will be more likely to listen to what youhave to say.7.If you must say something negative to your partner, try to be helpful andnot hurtful.Point out some good behaviors about your partner when youare also pointing out bad ones.In this way, you address your partner’sbehavior rather than his or her whole personality.87Receiver Skills (The receiver is the person with whom the sender wants to have the discussion.)1.Use behaviors that show you are interested.These include eye contact, nodsof agreement, and body posture.2.Have control over your own behavior until it is your turn to talk.Do notinterrupt or make faces.3.Make sure you understand what the sender is saying.To do this, say back inyour own words statements that were unclear to you.4.Read the sender’s nonverbal cues and respond to them.These are facialexpressions, gestures, and other body language.For instance, you say, “Youare frowning and seem upset.” This shows you are paying attention and aresensitive to the sender’s feelings.88For the PartnerPositive Communication SkillsIf the statement describes what you do, place a check mark in the box.Sender Skills (The sender is the person who wants to talk about an issue or problem.)1.Stay with the topic you wish to discuss.Do not bring into the discussion oldtopics or topics that are not related, which sidetrack the issue.2.Point out behaviors you would like changed and avoid general statements.For example, do not say, “You need a better attitude.” Instead, say, “I wishyou would focus more on the good things I do and less on what you feel Ido wrong.”3.Be honest and direct.Don’t leave your partner guessing about whatyou mean.4.Talk about your feelings or thoughts without accusing or name calling.5.Talk in an adult way and do not “talk down” to your partner, as if he or shewere a child.Be polite and talk to your partner as you would to anyone yourespect.6.Do not use words like “never” or “always.” Always try to use words thatreflect a real situation or behavior.Doing this will give more meaning toyour statements, and your partner will be more likely to listen to what youhave to say.7.If you must say something negative to your partner, try to be helpful andnot hurtful.Point out some good behaviors about your partner when youare also pointing out bad ones.In this way, you address your partner’sbehavior rather than his or her whole personality.Receiver Skills (The receiver is the person with whom the sender wants to have the discussion.)1.Use behaviors that show you are interested.These include eye contact, nodsof agreement, and body posture.2.Have control over your own behavior until it is your turn to talk.Do notinterrupt or make faces.893.Make sure you understand what the sender is saying.To do this, say back in your own words statements that were unclear to you.4.Read the sender’s nonverbal cues and respond to them.These are facialexpressions, gestures, and other body language.For instance, you say, “Youare frowning and seem upset.” This shows you are paying attention and aresensitive to the sender’s feelings.Are You Currently Without a Sexual Partner?Many single people who do not have a steady partner and who fear failure insex come for therapy.They may not socialize because they do not wish to setthemselves up for failure or embarrassment.Most of the time, avoidance makesthem have even more fear.This fear, in turn, leads to more avoidance.This program strongly recommends that these people go about socializing andbecoming intimate one step at a time.Many of them may need a lot of supportand encouragement to start going out again.Often, they continue not to socializebecause of false beliefs.Some men, for instance, think that if a woman shows aninterest in having sex, then they must attempt sex.So, rather than fail, they avoid.Some women may think that all men are interested in them only for sex and thatthey will always be pressured for sex.Remind yourself that you are in charge of choosing whom you go out with.Also,it is perfectly okay to state to a potential partner that you are not ready for sex.In fact, you should not keep going out with someone if you feel pressured and ifyou feel the person is not sensitive to your needs.You should look for someonewho attracts you and who has interests in common with you.The person shouldhave a flexible and accepting view of sex.Avoid people who have very strong,fixed ideas about what is right and wrong in sex.Keep in mind that a personwho is rigid about sex is likely to develop sexual problems or to add to them.Agood sexual partner is someone who is relaxed, knowledgeable, and open-mindedabout sex.Exercise: Partner RelationsThis chapter has tried to help you to understand the importance of good partnerrelations.It has also tried to help you pinpoint areas in a partnership that areprone to problems.The first worksheet in this chapter covered partner-related90factors that can possibly interfere with sex.The second worksheet listed good communication skills.Review your responses on these worksheets.In this way,you can pinpoint areas that need work.Set aside a special time to discuss impor-tant issues with your partner.Use this time now to talk about each of the pointsthat you identified in both worksheets.Whether or not you have a partner, you can practice the communication skillslisted on the Positive Communication Skills worksheet.Be aware of these skillswhen talking to people you meet during the day.For example, use these skillswith relatives, people at work, and friends.At the end of each day, review the list from the worksheet.How did you do on each skill? By practicing daily, you willfind that these skills become second nature.Chapter 9 ReviewAnswer by circling T (True) or F (False).Answers are provided at the end ofthe book.1 Couples who are having sexual problems are not in love.TF2 If you focus on intercourse and exclude other behaviors from sex, you willhave better sex.TF3 Couples with poor communication often try to talk at the wrongtimes.TF4 Being honest and direct when you communicate will cause hurtfeelings.TF5 Single people who have sexual problems should not socialize until they solvetheir problems.TF91This page intentionally left blankChapter 10Working With a Partner to MasterYour Sexual ProblemGoals■To learn how to work together with your partner to solve sexual problemsIdentifying Common GoalsBy now, you and your partner should have a good understanding of the natureof your sexual problem and its causes.You might also have solved most or allof your sexual problems by having done all of the reading and exercises.Somepeople may have additional work to do [ Pobierz całość w formacie PDF ]